When we welcomed home our infant son, we had to make many changes to our lifestyle. We welcomed them and the transition was easy. Bonding with our son felt natural, normal, just like any other new mother and father would feel. Involving his birth mother, her family, and our family and friends were natural and easy. It wasn’t what we expected, open adoption, but it worked for us, and it has been so, so good. 

We noticed the most changes after we welcomed our second son, and subsequently daughter through foster care adoption. I personally became a very vocal advocate for adoption. In learning how to parent children of trauma, we have had to change everything about our parenting styles such as how we communicate with each other, to others and our children. We have become advocates for them in every way. Just months after welcoming our second son home, our first son received a special needs diagnosis. 

While all these things have been challenges we didn’t expect when we began this journey, it is not the struggle it may seem. Loving them is so easy. They are bright, beautiful, wonderful children who have made me determined to help them in every way I can. Others don’t always understand that or trust why I can seem hard on my children, but I persevere. I try to explain when it’s warranted, but I don’t back down.  There are plenty of things my children do that others see as “normal” but just aren’t.

We have become softer in how we view the world.  We have empathy and compassion where we used to have judgment and condemnation. We seek help. We speak the truth, even when it’s hard and not what someone wants to hear. We have found acceptance and peace, and we have found love for the mothers that gave them life. We initially struggled with how to incorporate open adoption in a foster care situation. But we have made it work. And then we had to tweak it. But we are finding a way.

The most important way adoption has changed our lives is love. We are stronger, weaker, better. We love them, we would do anything for them. That love has brought empathy, understanding, and acceptance. We love and support them in every way. They have brought difficulty, joy and so much love to our lives. We have changed in every way, and we could not be happier.  

We are not the people we were six years ago. We are not the people we will be six years from now. We cannot wait to see how these little beings conquer the world.

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There are several marketing tools that can be used and each has pros and cons. Stick to a media that you feel comfortable with. If a Facebook page feels too impersonal or not private enough than try a web page, blog, or parent profile. Web pages and blogs can be created sometimes free and surprisingly easy using a host like wix, weebly, or blogger. Your personal site can be shared around social media as you see fit. If creating your own space from scratch seems scary to try a parent profile like those found on Adoption.com. Adoption facilitators can cost monthly but all the hassle and marketing is done for you!

Whatever avenue you choose, make sure to stay organized. An organized profile will make possible birth parents feel like you have purpose and direction. When organizing your life, think about what is most important to you, but also what a potential birth mother might want to know about your life. Everyday family life, extended family and friends, home and community, and core life values and spiritual beliefs are all important aspects to include. Don’t try too hard to paint an elaborate picture-perfect family.  Potential birth moms and dads will be drawn to you for many different reasons, but most importantly because you are genuine. 

Be sincere when writing, but don’t write too much. Too much reading can be overwhelming to anyone. Get to the point of your paragraphs without leaving anything out or rambling on. Starting with a dear potential birth mother/father letter is always a must. Write from the heart without being too lengthy. A picture can paint a thousand words…good and bad. When selecting pictures you want to convey real life. Include both professional and random family pictures. And, ladies…I know you will most likely be doing the grunt work here, so it’s easy to make sure you look your best in pictures. Don’t forget about your husband; you both want to portray the real you in every picture.               

Lastly, when delving into the adoption world, it is important to understand that adoption is a beautiful and sad situation for all involved. A mother seeking a stable supportive home for the baby she loves but can’t keep. A baby who is about to lose a mother and biological connection. And, a hopeful adoptive couple who longs to have a baby in their home but for whatever reasons has not been able to. As you create an online profile keep these thoughts in mind. Your profile is about you, yes, but truly it is about the future child you want to add to your family. Be mindful of the potential birth mother’s feelings as you paint a picture of yourself and the family you long for. It is through her greatest loss that a future will be created for you and her baby. Carry this thinking on to each paragraph and picture you use, and your sincere hope to adopt will shine through.

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When you visit the site, you’ll discover an easy-to-use drop-down menu as well as a map of the United States. Simply choose the service you’re interested in, select your state, and hit the Search button. The site will return a list of providers in your area. When you click on a listing, you’ll be able to read more, including a description of the provider and the types of services they offer, as well as their website and contact information. You can also read recommendations from others and even write one yourself once you have used the provider or service.

Potential adoptive parents will be able to find great adoption agencies, attorneys, and other services. Expectant parents can locate professionals who offer counseling, support, and even temporary housing. Adoptees and birth parents can locate private investigators as well as services that specialize in search and reunion. There are so many options available to help take the stress out of all-things adoption.

Here is a look at what you’ll find at the site: 

• Adoption Agencies
• Adoption Attorneys
• Adoption Consultants
• Adoption Facilitators
• African American Adoption
• Birth Mother Housing
• Christian Adoption
• Consulate & Embassy
• Counselors & Therapists
• Culture Camp
• Education & Training
• Embryo Adoption
• Exchange & Photolisting
• Foster Care Adoption
• Home Study
• International Adoption
• Interstate Adoption Administrator
• Private Investigator
• Public Agency
• Search and Reunion
• State Adoption Specialist
• Stepparent Adoption
• Support for Adoptees & Birth Parents
• Support for Adoptive Parents

To get started, visit adoption.com/directory. And for more great resources, articles and information, check out the rest of the adoption.com site. Best of luck to you!

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Luckily, time and experience have taught me that the media’s portrayal of adoption is far from the truth. While there are many unknowns in adoption, there are many controllable factors. Most adoption agencies and avenues to adoption lay out the process very clearly. Adoptive parents go into adoptions knowing what to expect. Most agencies also ask adoptive parents to specify what adoptive situations they are open to and what age of a child they are seeking to adopt. 

The media portrays adoption as a child dropped off on a doorstep or one with little-known history. While history can sometimes be a bit ambiguous, better records are taken every day and history is often well-known. Open adoptions are becoming more of the norm. The media loves to cling to the story of birth parents coming back for a child years after an adoption has been finalized. Unless some legality was not following in an adoption, the finalization of adoption is legally binding. There is no opportunity for a birth family to come back later and “take” a child back.

The media generally presents adoption as a scary and broken process. The stories that tell of tragedy and heartbreak sell and are viewed much more than happy stories. If you are wanting to know more about adoption, consult those around you who have adopted. Join communities on sites like Adoption.com. While adoption can have tragic stories, there is much more beauty in adoption than not. Do not let the skewed view of the media stop or dissuade your call to adopt or support those in the adoption journey.

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If you’re interested in pursuing a domestic infant adoption, click here for a FREE consultation with an adoption agency to answer your questions and get you started on growing your family through adoption.

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1. Many children are waiting for homes. In 2014, The Adoption and Foster Care Analysis and Reporting System showed there were 107,918 foster children eligible for and waiting to be adopted.
2. Adults can be adopted too. Every year, about 23,000 children age out of foster care without finding a permanent family. Many who are over the age of 18 still desire to be legally adopted. Such adoptions can be a huge benefit to the adoptee. Even adults need stability and connection.
3. Your actions can make a difference. Good Housekeeping states that if 1 in 500 of the 81.5 million Americans who have considered adoption actually did adopt, then there would be no more foster children waiting to be adopted.
4. Open adoption can be shockingly normal. When I first began researching openness in adoption I was shocked by the level of openness some families experienced. Some adoptive and bio families went on vacation together, some saw each other weekly, still others had little to no contact at all. For me, it was refreshing and hopeful to see families who have frequent contact and maintain healthy relationships. 
5. The waiting period in adoptions can be very short. It is common to hear of families waiting years to be matched and then placed with a child. While long waits certainly can and do happen, some families are matched in only a matter of days.
6. Less infant adoptions are taking place. The National Center for Health Statistics states that only 1 percent of babies born to single women are placed for adoption. This is a significant drop from the reported 9 percent in 1973. Historically, single women are the most likely group to place infants for adoption. This decline means there are more hopeful adoptive parents waiting than there are expectant parents planning to place.
7. Some adoptions are free! Still others can cost over $45,000. The cost associated with adoption largely depends on the venue through which you adopt. Adoptions through foster care tend to be the least costly. Though every situation is different, adopting privately can cost less than adopting through an agency. International adoptions are typically, but not necessarily, the most expensive. This link provides a helpful breakdown of average adoption costs.

Other Sources

Good Housekeeping

ERLC

Adoption Network

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The most important thing to note about adoption support groups, especially those on social media, is that not all support groups are created equal. There are some really great support groups and some really misleading and manipulative groups. Many of the groups on social media that appear to be support groups are really one person behind a computer somewhere who is stating solely his/her opinion and experience. His/her opinion does not equal truth.

It is hard to differentiate on these groups what is sound advice and what is not. You have no way of telling if the stories and experiences being shared are even true. Some groups I have been a member of have gone so far as to manipulate various groups of parents into believing abhorrent myths and practices surrounding adopting. Trust your instincts and seek the counsel of your agency or those who have been through adoption before if you feel something is not right. 

In-person support groups do allow for the mask to come off and the true person to be revealed. These groups also allow you to hear from others who have been members longer. Many of these groups will also have a reputation on adoption boards and word of mouth in the town they gather. However, these groups are not immune to controversy or negativity. They are still subject to creating a narrative from their point of view that may not necessarily be based in fact. If it doesn’t feel right to you, seek out the opinions of others or even a different group if necessary.

Regardless what group you are a part of, it is vital to feel the group out and check facts. It is equally as important to keep an open mind and listen to the other members of the triad. If you are an adoptive parent, seek out support groups that also have birth parents and adoptees and vice versa. Being able to hear the perspective and experience of the other side will be invaluable. It will allow you to have a sounding board to see how your actions might affect the other members of the triad and the chance to see things differently.

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1. There’s a lot of paperwork.

Financial disclosures, criminal background checks, letters of recommendation, tax returns… How much more information do they need? The home study licensing agency needs to know all about you so they can help you find the right child for your home. Instead of getting frustrated by the paperwork, try to reframe your thinking. They’re just confirming that your home is a great one for a child to grow up in.

2. It doesn’t have to break the bank.

With the average price of domestic adoptions ranging from $8,000 to $40,000, adopting can seem out of reach for many American families. The truth, however, is that there are other options that don’t require dipping into retirement savings. Foster adoptions are significantly cheaper than private adoptions, and much, if not all, of the adoption costs may be covered by the state. In 2016, the adoption tax credit was $13,460. While the credit may not cover the entire cost of the adopting, it does soften the sticker shock.

3. Potential birth mothers have a lot of input in the process.

Potential birth mothers’ rights are protected in all 50 states. Potential birth mothers who work with adoption agencies or lawyers in private adoptions meet with a social worker that helps a potential birth mother put together an adoption plan. This plan can include information about the openness she is seeking after placement and what type of family she would like to place her child with. Once this information is collected, potential birth mothers can look through family profiles to choose a family for her child. The decision to place a child is hers alone, and any good agency or lawyer will work with a potential birth mother to find the perfect match for all involved.

4. A majority of adoptions in the US are open.

Open adoptions are becoming a greater national trend, with up to 95% of adoptions having some contact. The degree of openness varies, with some families keeping in contact through pictures and letters facilitated through an agency, while other families visit with birth families on a regular basis. Open adoptions benefit all parts of the adoption triad (adoptee, birth family, and adoptive family), and many agencies are working to mandate some openness as part of their contracts. The relationship becomes a normal, celebrated part of your family story.

5. Adopting in the US may require several days in a hotel.

If you adopt a child in a different state than you live, you should prepare to spend several days to several weeks in a hotel. The Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children requires the state the child was born in to approve of the placement and the state the adoptive parents live in need to approve it, too. The states need to make sure the child is going to a home where they will be provided and cared for, so all that paperwork from your home study will get some mileage. This approval process can take a few days to a few weeks depending on how busy the ICPC offices are. You can find out more about this agreement here. Take advantage of this time to bond with your child and explore their birthplace by playing tourist (yes, even in a small town!). These stories will become so important to your child’s understanding of their adoption.

6. The wait times vary.

Your wait may be longer than average, but it may also be much shorter than average. Wait times for a match and placement are difficult to predict. The adoption community is full of stories of families who got the call just days after becoming active with an agency and others who waited years through failed placement after failed placement. There is no magic trick or special secret to decreasing your wait time. Your match will come along when it’s the right match.

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The truth is the response we wish we had in the moment probably wasn’t the best thing to say anyway. The topics of children and adoption often invite unsolicited, and sometimes even offensive, questions and comments. But don’t let the fear of the crazy questions ruin your moment to shine!

Instead of meeting the curiosity of others with frustration, we can choose to meet that curiosity with grace and tact, and sometimes even add helpful tips for how they can get involved with adoption as well. Think of it this way: as adoptive families, we are showcasing one of our passions, our children, in a most public way. We get to decide what adoption looks like to those around us. It is a mixed blessing, but one we need to consider when we choose how to answer the crazy questions.

Having lots of experience in fending off “the crazies,” I came up with some responses to nosy adoption questions–here are some of the best, so you can be ready the next time you are caught off guard!

  1. Oh, they’re adopted, what happened?

What you’re thinking: No boundaries. This person has no boundaries.

What you could say: It’s a long, wonderful story. God always has the best plans, just glad I was part of this one.

 2. Where did she/he come from?

What you’re thinking: Really? Why do we have to give geography lessons on a Tuesday afternoon?

What you could say: “We’re probably neighbors, we live right up the road! If you are interested in the country my child was born in, it is ______. Have you thought about international adoption before? I could definitely give you some ways to get more information.” (Sometimes the question of “where she/he came from” is out of genuine curiosity about a country and international adoption itself more than to pry your personal info out of you.)

 3. Which ones are adopted?

What you’re thinking: Does it matter? Do you know my kids are listening and now waiting to see if I will sort them by “mine” and “not mine?” (This is my personal least favorite question ever.)

What you could say: “Well, all of us are adopted actually. God is a father to everyone.” Not comfortable with that answer? Try, “If you can’t tell, than I certainly can’t!” (Cue the big smiles from your kiddos and the sigh of relief!)

 4. Who does the baby look like (when they don’t realize you’ve adopted)?

What you’re thinking: Ugh. I don’t have the time to get into the genetic possibilities and connections of my child’s DNA. I just had to run out for milk.

What you could say: It’s a toss-up! Somedays I dress him/ her like me and others like my wife/ husband/partner. This light-hearted answer allows you to move along without the further digging and prying. Of course, if you know the baby looks more like his/her father or mother you can always just say that, too, and keep moving on.

  5. Do they see their “real parents?”

What you’re thinking: Every. Single. Morning. Hello?!?!?!

What you could say: Keep it simple. You could ask, “I’m not sure what you mean?” or “why do you ask?” But I think this probably takes the question into a full blown conversation and you may not get away as fast. This question is deeply personal and creates new questions as it unravels (see question number one).

The best response might be as simple as not responding…or responding with “Did you see that the apples are on sale?” Just change the topic altogether. Adults should pick up on the conversation change and let it rest, and the younger kids won’t follow what’s happened. Older kids? It might be best to keep walking and explain later that you don’t have to answer questions just because someone asks them.

None of this is a perfect science. Practice, practice, practice! Think before you speak; the most captive audience you will probably have in that moment when you want to say something crazy back is your children. Always know that your job isn’t to appease the crazy questioners. There are certainly times it is better to walk away. Focus on raising your beautiful children to be thoughtful and considerate of others as they get older and grapple with topics and people that peak their curious questions.

All the best to you fellow adoption-question navigators. You are not in this alone!

The post 5 Kind Phrases To Shut Down Nosy Adoption Questions appeared first on Adopting a Child in the US | Babies,Toddler, Older, Requirements.

Paperwork. Does anyone like it? Fill out this form for the doctor, please. Fill this out to apply for this job, please. Fill this out to become a member of this gym, please. It’s usually a time-consuming, yet necessary, evil. Am I right? Well, I am here to tell you, friends, that adoption paperwork is no different. I mean, you are adding a person to your family, I think you can manage a few forms. Let me help you out a little…

The Basics

They want your name, your social security number, your birthdate, your address, etc. They need all that basic info that most forms require.

The Deep Dig

They want the deep stuff. The stuff nobody else wants to know, they want to know. Your mom’s maiden name? Yup. Your grandma’s maiden name? Yup. What was your childhood like? Yup. Where did you go to school? Yup. Why do you want to adopt? Yup. Are you married? Yup. What’s that like? Yup. Have you ever cared for children before? Yup. Any other question you can think of? Yup.

Let’s talk money

How much do you have? What’s your monthly budget look like? What bank are you with? How much debt do you have? How long have you held your job? How stable is your job? Do you have pay stubs, because we will need those going back at least 3 months? Do you have a savings? How do you plan to pay the fees of an adoption? Tired of questions, yet? There’s more to come!

The Tough Stuff

The checklist. When my husband and I saw it, we were excited. Oh, man. This was it! We finally got to choose who we wanted to add to our family. A beautiful baby girl or a handsome baby boy, what would we choose? Ahhhh, how exciting…naivete, my friends. It is exciting, but it is also thoroughly depressing to see all the reasons an adoptive parent may say no. You hold the fate of a child in your hands–what you won’t accept and what you will.

Lots and lots and lots

It feels like it never ends. At first, it’s kind of fun because this is a HUGE and AMAZING time in your life. Then, you flip to the 50th form and you just want to bang your head on the table when you read THE SAME QUESTION you just answered on 49 other forms. It’s truth, friends, it is just truth. One nugget you need to remember…

KEEP ALL INFO AND ADOPTION PAPERWORK COPIED, SAVED, EASILY ACCESSIBLE, AND ORGANIZED.

You will need it over and over and over again. Whether it’s for grants, loans, or another adoption agency, keep it all easily accessible.

Adoption paperwork: it can be time-consuming and difficult but oh, so worth it in the end!

Happy adopting!!!

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